part of me wants to wear leather jackets and red lipstick and be super sexy and break boys’ hearts but then I also want to wear sundresses and be sweet and cute and shy and giggly but a different part of me wants to be beautiful and smart and mysterious and another part of me just wants to sit in bed and watch netflix while I eat pizza
Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.”
I feel so weak tonight. The tears are there, right in my eyes. And I know they want to fall, but I can’t let that happen. So do me a favor. Make them go away because I’d really just like to feel happy these days.
And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When is the moment that being strong, turns into being too strong?
I often ask myself this question, hoping that someday I’ll find the answer. But I suppose it would vary from person to person.
Lately, I find myself feeling like I’ve let myself unravel slowly over the months into the abyss that is known as Depression. I’ve become this incredibly stressed out and uptight individual that’s forgotten how to make proper use of her time. Forgotten how to get a good night of rest. Forgotten how to move past unpleasant life experiences. Forgotten how to work hard. Forgotten how to be happy.
Over the years, I’ve been effected by a variety of unpleasant happenings. Somehow, I managed to make it through every single one of them and kept moving forward. With time though, I think that exhaustion has overcome me and I’m fighting just to refrain from giving up. The ones that know me have always told me that I’m a very strong young woman; that it’s amazing that I can still be the person that I am with everything that has happened to me. Granted, to some, my life experience may be minuscule in comparison. But that doesn’t change the fact that I experienced great loss and pain.
Tonight, I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, I just want to collapse and cry until I have nothing left in me to cry over.
Weakness. I can’t stand to feel it. I can’t stand to see it. And I can’t stand to hear it. That’s not to say that I don’t accept the vulnerability of those around me that I hold dear. I sympathize with all the sincerity in the world and I do my best to be there for whoever they may be. What I am saying is that I was raised not to show weakness. Therefore, I myself can’t stand when I feel weak. So I hide my tears. I force a smile. I put my focus on other people. And I live in denial during the daylight hours.
But for once, can it be okay for me to cry to someone and ask to be held until I fall asleep?
I am constantly judging myself. My pessimism knows no bounds, and I always find a way to take responsibility for whatever horrible things happen to me. A while back, I promised myself that I wouldn’t post incredibly depressing things on social media sites for people to see. I didn’t want to become a burden or be known as”that girl that acts all emo” all over the internet. My tumblr is about the only place where I don’t restrict myself. This place is like a diary and I write my entries as I please.
Recently, I ended a long distance relationship that lasted just two months short of a year. A lot of factors went into my decision to do so. It was painful for both parties, yes, but I can say without hesitation that it was the right thing to do. Had I remained where I was, life would have become hell for the both of us. I just had no more left to give.
Loneliness is like going through rehabilitation, and the drug is called Love. You become so eager to fill that void that you feel the need to latch onto the first person who shows you kindness.
I have been there, and I have no desire to fall back into that pattern again. The hardest part after the breakup, is always when you have to learn to be with yourself again. In my case, it’s more like I have to pace myself so that I don’t regret anything. There will be no rebound for me. I refuse to allow myself to cling to someone. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone there that has been helping me heal.
I’m just afraid of falling and never recovering.
This is a point in my life where my vulnerability is getting the best of me. And all I want is someone to take care of me for once, instead of it always being the other way around. I want to feel like all of my stress just goes out the window and I forget everything, and just live in the moment. Somehow, he manages to accomplish that for me…this healer of mine.
But I won’t fall for it. It would be so easy to do, but now is not the time. I’m not strong right now. I am weak. And if I fall, he’ll destroy me. That much I know.